Montessori Radmoor

“He’s so mean to me!” “I don’t like to play with her — she’s really mean!”

Does this sound familiar? As the elementary aged children grow and explore society outside of the family unit, they are testing all sorts of new relationships. Sometimes they encounter peers who act in ways that bother them. Because the children are just figuring out what is appropriate and inappropriate, they sometimes come to the adults to report “mean” behavior.

So what does it mean to be mean? We are trying, as a classroom, to discuss how “mean” is a confusing term. It is what we call an evaluation of a person, rather than an observation. We are working on using non-judgmental statements to identify what exactly bothers the child and then work on that specific behavior, rather than labeling the person.

We have an activity in the classroom named “Observation or Evaluation.” It is a matching game in which the children need to identify if a statement is an objective observation or an emotional evaluation. For example “She’s so nosy” vs. “She asked what I was talking about.” Another important thing we strive to do is listen, repeat, and identify what exactly is the problem. A conversation might go like this:

Child: “He is being so mean to me! I don’t want to play if he is there!”

Adult: “What does that mean — he’s mean? What is he doing that is bothering you?”

Child: “He is taking all the big sticks from our fort and moving them away! It’s not fair!”

Adult: “So, he is moving all the big sticks and you feel like you can’t use any of them.”

Child: “Yes! It really makes me angry when he takes them away!”

Adult: “So you are upset there are no more big sticks.”

Child: “Yes. I am going to go ask him to give me three and he can have three.”

I am often surprised at how simply talking through the initial emotion can help a child think of her or his own solution to the problem. Now, it isn’t always as easy as the conversation above, but often times identifying the BEHAVIOR that is bothersome rather than focusing on the PERSON doing the bothering is extremely helpful. Do you have similar conversations with your child at home? What types of things does he or she say and how do you work through problems? Are you ever pleasantly surprised at the solutions he or she generates? I hope you are able to see these conversations as wonderful opportunities for growth!

Ms. Kate

  1. Thank you Kate, that was really helpful …I have heard about this distinction before but I have forgotten to implement it i.e. identifying the behaviour and not labelling. Right on. Thank you for your hard work with the kids. Agnes

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