Recently I’ve had a few toddler parents ask me about tantrums.  I think it is especially helpful to remember that temper tantrums are very common in the toddler age and that this phase will pass. A temper tantrum is usually the result of a child not being able to effectively express herself verbally, which leads to intense frustration.  It’s also a time in a child’s life when they are moving from the infant-parent relationship to a toddler-parent relationship.  During the infant-parent relationship it’s the baby’s job to communicate her needs to the adult and it’s the adult’s job to meet those needs as quickly and to the best of their ability as possible.  But in a healthy toddler-parent relationship, no longer is it the child giving all the cues and the adult doing all the responding.

Researcher Grazyna Kochanska coined a description of this type of interaction: she said that things go most smoothly when an adult and child are mutually responsive. I think it is a combination of these two factors, lack of effective communication skills and changing relationships that leads to most temper tantrums. Temper tantrums can lead to feeling pretty helpless, especially when you feel like you have tried everything!  I have found that the more consistent you can be, the quicker the phase passes.  It’s vital to figure out what works for your individual child.  Here are a few tips to help you:

• Maintain a consistent routine. The more predictable your routine is, the easier it is for your child to feel safe and comfortable.

• Provide a warning before and after transitions, for ex: (“I am going to walk around the playground one more time and when I come back, it will be time to go inside and eat lunch.”)

• Be aware/observe escalating frustration levels, intervene before the tantrum occurs. Offer choices so your child feels she has some control over the situation. Keep the choices limited to accomplishing the task at hand.  For ex: (“would you like to put your coat on by yourself or would you like some help?” or “It’s time to tidy up. Would you like to roll up the work rug or put the puzzle on the shelf?”

Distractions & re-directions work wonders with young children.  Try to avoid the word “no” as it adds to a toddler’s frustration. Instead use phrases like ‘later’ or ‘after dinner’. Be aware of stressors that may require extra empathy (toilet training, being away from you after a long day, etc.) A little empathy goes a long way when a child is feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.

Respect and acknowledge the child’s feelings.  When children receive verbal assurance that their feelings are important and acknowledged; they gradually learn to put these feelings into words instead of acting out.  Most children do grow out of the need for tantrums when they have more language skills and understanding.  However, the way you deal with the tantrums in the toddler years is important.  If they are handed harshly, or if you consistently ignore a child’s feeling and need for comfort, they may well become worse and carry on for a much longer period of time.

Sincerely,

Eric