Whole hearted parenting takes courage and compassion.  In order to demonstrate all the attributes we hope our children will acquire, we have to examine our own styles of communication, expressing our emotions and how we treat others.

By utilizing a method of communication that entails sharing observations, feelings, needs, requests and using empathy, the direction of communication can sound drastically different.

Observations are a description of what is seen or heard.  They key when describing an event is to do this without judgements and stating what someone has said versus paraphrasing.  Instead of “she is mean” you could say “she called me stinky”.

Share your feelings rather than your thoughts about what others are doing. For example, I feel uncomfortable or sad ….  Feelings can range from exited, joyful, peaceful, calm, inspired, grateful, and hopeful to feeling pain, fear, dread, grief, removed, sad, annoyed, tense, embarrassed, frazzled, vulnerable or fatigued.   How often do you check in with yourself or ask your child, “how are you feeling?

Needs are universal and shared by all.  The need to be accepted, appreciated, part of a community, loved, safe, respected, understood, having a sense of self-worth, move, laugh are just a few needs we share as human beings.  By identifying our needs we are more easily able to identify our feelings when needs are satisfied or not satisfied.

Requests are stated in a positive way and are very specific or concrete. 

Empathy is trying to understand the other person’s feelings.  You may have to guess and ask as we empathize with others.  Through empathy you are acknowledging and validating the other person’s feelings. It also promotes a deeper connection to others and leads to creative problem solving and positive pursuits.

When your child says something back in an accusatory or emotional tone, take a moment to think about your child’s feelings and needs.  Try using the format found below:

When I see/hear________________________I feel__________________because I need_____________.  Would you be willing to____________________?

For example, when I hear you call Anne stinky, I feel sad because I need respect for everyone in our family or community.  Would you be willing to tell me what is going on or call her by her name?  This type of dialogue opens the door for deeper communication.

By demonstrating and encouraging children to communicate using these tools, it allows a more compassionate way to resolve conflicts and gain insight into our relationship with others.